*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
i dont have time for this
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second