sigh
You Might Also Like
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Oh my god
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP