Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!