[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I love the National Park Service.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.