“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.