booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
#MeanwhileinCanada
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.