Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.