Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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50 shades of grey = my Liver
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend