Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.