Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Miscakes
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Order here:
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.