I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Have a lovely day 😊
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*controversially pours a glass of milk*