I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
You Might Also Like
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch