[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings