i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
You Might Also Like
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Personal question. #JustSaying
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Fidel Castro was alive?