Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You Might Also Like
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!