[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
BRAKING NEWS!!
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.