I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Happy Friday
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.