Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed