I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Important
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.