Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.