Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
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Awwwww shit.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.