Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
You Might Also Like
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”