I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
me: my friends:
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
the three branches of government
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
can you read it!!??
maan!
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out