Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
oppen heimer style lol
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.