My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Customer is always right
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going