When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.