Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You Might Also Like
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
🤣🤣🤣
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
this is so top tier i cant
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.