cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
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This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy