I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR