If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
what’s the point then??
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in