A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim