ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Batman v Dracula
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.