Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Just a phase…
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know