Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home