Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?