Hank is one in a melon.
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?