I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon