It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.