“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.