Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You Might Also Like
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.