[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.