If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Happy thanksgiving
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
jesus christ confetti not now
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.