PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
All is fair in drunk and war.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids