Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
<- sleeps well with others
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
the noise i just made
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did