I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
where the womens at?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…