*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had