phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.