People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
we all know this pain all too well
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*looks at you in batman voice*
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”