5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!