Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
i’m still crying at this
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either